


Mistaking all my mistakes

by MsEllieJane



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: F/F, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Starfleet Academy, a beautifully complicated relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 04:04:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12927009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsEllieJane/pseuds/MsEllieJane
Summary: Katrina falls apart, Gabriel brings wine





	Mistaking all my mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> This little drabble was inspired by [this amazing headcanon](http://caressyouintodarkness.tumblr.com/post/168184792901/cornwellgeorgiou-headcanon) by [Caressyouintodarkness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/caressyouintodarkness/pseuds/caressyouintodarkness). The title is from Poltergeist by Banks, which seems to have become the unofficial theme song of the Lorca/Cornwell shipping fandom.

Katrina wasn’t sure how long she had been slumped on the couch in her quarters. She was distantly aware of reminder alarms going off and hails from crew members, but couldn’t move to respond. Her executive officer had entered her quarters and left tactfully after replicating a glass of water and leaving it on the coffee table. This wasn’t behavior an admiral should display and she knew she was receiving a great deal of leniency given the circumstances. She would have to answer for it at some point but didn’t have the energy to care.

She had once been hit in the shoulder by a phaser on a mission and would never forget the pain, the feeling of her flesh burning. Even after the reconstructive surgery, she felt echoes of that burn from time to time. Right now her entire body was burning. She knew in her distant analytic mind that this was phantom pain brought on by extreme stress but her animal brain reacted by curling her body in on itself, trying to hide from nothing.

She probably dozed off at some point and wakened with start, feeling a blade entering her chest and hearing herself scream. Shuddering, she thought about reaching for the glass of water but decided to stare at the wall instead. Everything in her felt broken and while she objectively knew exactly what was happening to her and why, she was unable to do anything about it. 

Finally, she heard the door open and someone striding in purposefully. She felt her body being pulled up and enveloped by strong, warm arms.

“Gabriel,” she said faintly, feeling the telltale signs of her blood pressure quickly dropping after sitting up too quickly. Everything greyed out for a second and then her vision adjusted. He looked as bad as she felt. She wrapped her arms around him and they held each other without speaking for what felt like an eternity.

“Kat,” he said in a choked up voice, “I didn’t know what to do so I came here. The Buran ships out tomorrow for the front lines but I needed to see you first.”

They would be at war soon, if they weren’t already. The actions of the _Shenzhou’s_ first officer had seen to that. She would read the reports someday, or would try to at least. She owed Philippa that much.

_Phillippa._ She had avoided thinking about Philippa directly as she wrapped herself in anguish but now the tears that lay dormant started pouring forth. Gabriel’s rare visits usually began with them frantically tearing off each others’ clothes, desperately trying to compensate for their long times apart. The physical connection between them was so strong it scared her sometimes, but right now all she wanted was for him to hold her while she sobbed into his chest.

“I drove her away, I drove you both away,” she admitted through her sobs. “I let my ambitions come before the two people I loved the most and now there is no way fix it. There was so much I wanted but denied myself, and I hurt her so badly in the process.”

She appreciated Gabriel’s silence. He didn’t try to comfort her with platitudes and she was grateful for that.

He kissed the top of her head and slowly stood up, making sure she wouldn’t slump over again in his absence. He walked over to the replicator and requested two bowls of pho, a plate of basil leaves and bean sprouts, and a pot of coffee. As she heard him place the order, fresh tears welled up in her eyes. She knew exactly what he was doing and why.

In their academy days, the three of them would go to the small 24-hour pho restaurant off campus for late-night study sessions. As they went over their notes and quizzed each other, they would slurp up noodles and broth with basil leaves and bean sprouts sprinkled on top. By the time they were done, they had usually finished two or three pots of coffee between them and were too wired to sleep. They would wander around campus in the dark, telling stories and griping about their coursework. Katrina would usually wind up in bed with one of them, depending on her mood. As part of their unspoken agreement, there was never any jealousy, but she always felt the longing look that Philippa would give her when she walked off with Gabriel.

She didn’t want to look at the food placed in front of her but then she felt Gabriel’s warm hand on her back, rubbing comforting circles.

“Come on, Kat, eat up,” he said simply. “This is what we do to remember the ones we have lost. We don’t let ourselves go to pieces, you know she would have hated that.” She silently agreed with him and took a ladleful of broth, blowing on it lightly before slurping it up. She realized then how hungry she was and polished off the soup quickly, hoping that the memories wouldn’t linger.

She sat back into the couch as he poured them each coffee. She didn’t drink it right away, but held the warm cup in her hand as way to ground herself. She took deep breaths, counting the seconds of each exhale, while he watched with an inscrutable look on his face.

“You do know she wasn’t angry with you, right?” She looked up suddenly as he spoke. “Yes, she was hurt for awhile but made peace with it. She got married, for christsakes, and they had a happy life together. I know you won’t believe me but there is really nothing to blame yourself for. Relationships change and friends drift apart, that is part of life. Yes, she loved you, but she found love again after you left.”

She was a bit surprised to hear such pithy insight coming from  him but appreciated his words nonetheless. She reached out and took his hand and he squeezed back lightly.

“Thank you, Gabriel,” she whispered. “You know me better than I know myself sometimes.”

“That being said,” he continued, “we have every right to get shitfaced right now because that is another thing we do to remember those we have lost.”

He reached behind him and picked up the bottle he had placed there earlier. It was red table wine, the same cheap variety Pippa had loved back at the Academy. Katrina remembers many nights when the three of them would drink it from plastic cups while sitting on the floor of her dorm room. She lets herself smile just a little bit as he pours a glass and hands it to her. At the first sip she finds herself making a slight face and then grinning.

“This stuff is just as terrible as it was back then,” she said laughing through tears. He smiled back and clinked his glass against hers.

“To Phillippa,” she said and he echoed her words. She settled against him, letting him encircle her with his arms. The would take this one night to mourn together and tomorrow they would go to war.


End file.
